Sunday, January 18, 2015

Whats best dosent mean it wont hurt

On February 4th I am getting my tubes tied. This decision has been one of the hardest dessions of my life. I know in my head and my heart that having another baby just is not want God has planned for me. I have a huge love of babies and children. I being a only child myself have always said that I will not have only one child. I know the pain of being alone all the time with no one to play with. And all the other painful things that come along with being a only child. When I got pregnant with Shelby there was no trying involved she just happened. When she was a year old her dad and I decided to try for another baby on purpose this time. I got pregnant quickly was doing wonderfully enjoying the first part of pregnancy that I missed with Shelby. I was 23 weeks when something happened I still haven't figured out what. I began to cramp and bleed. The dr rushed me to labor and delivery. After 6 hours of pain and not knowing My son Landon was born. He lived 8 minutes. Because of things at the time I was not aloud to see him hold him he was placed in a box at the nurses station. I was not aloud to greve his loss no services were held nothing they threw my son away. After Landon Shelbys father and I just didn't work out. Jon and I got to gether and decided to say whatever happened happened. 4 years and 5 Miscarriges with no explaintion as to why because of other reasons Jon and I parted ways. While Jon and I were together I fell at work and broke my back. two major back surgerys and tons of x rays later. One dr would say you should be fine to have kids the x rays should not have affected that at all. another would say the x rays have damaged your reprudcitve tract. When Nic came along he knew of my past pregnancy history and said what ever happens happens. Nic and I have had 3 miscarriges. This past year my back has taken a drymatic turn for the worse wich has caused my mental illnesses to rear there very ugly head. I am in therapy and am heavily medicated to try to keep me able to live in sicioty. I am also seeing a pain dr about my back. With all that going on Nic and I had to sit down and really have a talk. well I have to sit down and have a talk with my self. I know that being on the phyc meds I am on are for my own good as well as my familys. With that the meds are very dangores to a fedas so taking the meds and being pregnant would be unfair to that child. It would also be unfair to the rest of the world for me to get off my meds and be a danger to my self or outher just to be selfish in hopes that I could get pregnant and stay pregnant just for another baby. I have screwed Shelby up enough as it is bringing another life in this mess would be bad. My back could not handle carring a child most days it cant handle carrying me. I can no long handle the loss each and every time. So would say why dosent nic get cut its easier. well yea it is easier but There is no garentee that Nic will stay with my crazy ass for any more amount of time. So if he should get smart and leave why should he not have the chance to find some one and have a family with them. Now in saying all this it makes sense and is the right thing to do but I cant help but still fell a sense of loss or something for giving up. Every night for about a month now I cry and question if this is the right choice know full well it is. I know I am the only one that reads this but I am giving a shot at typing things out to see if that helps my depression or not. Maybe I can look back when I get it all together again if that ever happens and be like look how far you have come.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

To much to fast

For the past couple of weeks my pain has been stedily increasing. In that time I have had to start using a walker. I am using the walker for extra support. I have been having horrible back spasums, when a spasum hits it is out of the blue and I fall to the floor. My right side has been my problem side sense my accident. Espically after that lady pulled out in front of me and I broke my leg standing on the breaks. Because of that and my back pain when a spasum hits my right leg goes limp and I fall. I now have a lovely scar at the corner of my left eye. I was walking into the potty a horrible back spasm hit and to the floor I went breaking the door frame and messing my face up in the process. I have lots of bumps burses and scrapes sense before the walker. I started this post yesterday, I was in a bad way yesterday. I honestly could not stay awake and the only place I could get comfortable was in the recliner. Last night was another very bad night. I am on new depression meds and it is really messing me up. Yesterday I felt like I had over dosed on some thing. It was the same last night except I was seeing thing that weren't there. Nic would wake up and I would be shaking again. I am hoping today is better. Shelby is sick. I cant remember the last time she has been this bad. Today if I can find a driver I am taking her to the doctor. This no driving thing isn't so bad. This is the only snag we have found is when something like this come up out of the blue. Sorry I am kind of all over the place with this post. I can feel my meds kicking in and I am getting sleepy again and starting to feel like crap. If I can I will try to do another blog today about my procedure. Have s good day everyone.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

So it's been a little bit.

I haven't been on here in almost 3 years. Well a lot have changed. First Jon and I are no longer together. We remain friends but decided that we both wanted different paths in life. I met my husband Nic in March of 2012. It was love at first break down. We met at the ag company we were both working at. Mothers day 2012 Nic had Shelbys help and asked me to marry him. I said yes and a wedding planning did we start. Things were going great I had the most amazing kid. The farmer of my dreams. It was time for the other shoe to drop. Drop it did. August I got sick. What we thought was just a stomach bug turned into a six month twice a week hospital trip for fluids hell! The day Nic and I became husband and wife I dint remember. The reception if I didn't have the pictures of the people that were there I would have no clue about it at all. I was that sick and hide it from everyone. Nic and I left the day after out October 27th 2012 wedding for our honeymoon. It was the perfect trip for us. Arthur Illinois Amish land. We stayed at this beautiful bed and breakfast. Once again I was sick and Nic had no clue. After 2 days on our honeymoon Nic finally learned the real deal. We decided it was time to cut the trip short and get home. We made it home around five. By ten that night I was being transferred to St. Louis University Hospital. I had a mass in my brain. I started having seizures. I was blind in my right eye. I had let this go far to long but I was so afraid I would let someone down. After all the scans testing and prodding the Dr.s still had no clue what exactly was the problem. They sent me home. Everything was going half way smoothly up until March of 2013. We were all a go to buy Nic's grandparents farm. That was until his grandmother decided she didn't like that idea anymore and started bullying Nic. Now if you know me at all you know I do not put up with such things. Nic had been bullied his entire life just as I had. The only difference was I fought back he couldn't. So I got a little mad at how hurt they were making my husband and I went and had a few words with his grandma. Looking back now I should have used a different approach but I would still defend him again for the same reason with the same consequences. I was served a order of protection and we had this big court thing. It is all in the past but I haven't been the same sense. I continued to steadily go down hill and become a person even I didn't know. I started going to a counselor in April of 2013. I needed some depression meds and some anger meds. I know I have Manic depression bi-polar 2 and anxiety issues. I was born this way there is not a thing I can do to change it. I have to embrace it and do what the dr.s say. I have been working closely with a few drs to get my medication correct. All along my chronic back pain was getting worse not helping anything. In October of 2014 I lost it. I had a seizure and could not be awoken. thankfully we are living with my parents and Nic got my mom. At six one morning I was ambulanced to the hospital. I have no memory of the next 3 weeks. I have been battling this pain now for that long. I am no longer safe to drive. I can not walk with out the aid of a walker. I am loving on pain pills so much so that my husband leaves me my morning pill. To get my after noon pill I have to call him so he can tell me where he hid it. I will admit it had gotten bad but despite what others say I am NOT a pill popping junky I just hurt. That I guess bring us to today were I am on 4 crazy medicines as my dad calls them 2 different pain pills and a heavy duty muscle relaxer. This week we find out when I can get this amazing thing called a Spinal cord stimulator. Basically its a implanted tens unit that has electrodes placed on my spinal cord to help discize the pain so to speak. I can finally see the light at the end of my tunnel. I see hope! I am doing everything in my power to make sure my end is buttoned up tight and the drs end can do there job. I can honestly say this is the first time I have been able to picture realif sense my accident on July 23 2009. I am going to try to keep going on this a good friend promised she would be my biggest fan. I am great full for friends like her who help me be a better person.