Tuesday, January 13, 2015

So it's been a little bit.

I haven't been on here in almost 3 years. Well a lot have changed. First Jon and I are no longer together. We remain friends but decided that we both wanted different paths in life. I met my husband Nic in March of 2012. It was love at first break down. We met at the ag company we were both working at. Mothers day 2012 Nic had Shelbys help and asked me to marry him. I said yes and a wedding planning did we start. Things were going great I had the most amazing kid. The farmer of my dreams. It was time for the other shoe to drop. Drop it did. August I got sick. What we thought was just a stomach bug turned into a six month twice a week hospital trip for fluids hell! The day Nic and I became husband and wife I dint remember. The reception if I didn't have the pictures of the people that were there I would have no clue about it at all. I was that sick and hide it from everyone. Nic and I left the day after out October 27th 2012 wedding for our honeymoon. It was the perfect trip for us. Arthur Illinois Amish land. We stayed at this beautiful bed and breakfast. Once again I was sick and Nic had no clue. After 2 days on our honeymoon Nic finally learned the real deal. We decided it was time to cut the trip short and get home. We made it home around five. By ten that night I was being transferred to St. Louis University Hospital. I had a mass in my brain. I started having seizures. I was blind in my right eye. I had let this go far to long but I was so afraid I would let someone down. After all the scans testing and prodding the Dr.s still had no clue what exactly was the problem. They sent me home. Everything was going half way smoothly up until March of 2013. We were all a go to buy Nic's grandparents farm. That was until his grandmother decided she didn't like that idea anymore and started bullying Nic. Now if you know me at all you know I do not put up with such things. Nic had been bullied his entire life just as I had. The only difference was I fought back he couldn't. So I got a little mad at how hurt they were making my husband and I went and had a few words with his grandma. Looking back now I should have used a different approach but I would still defend him again for the same reason with the same consequences. I was served a order of protection and we had this big court thing. It is all in the past but I haven't been the same sense. I continued to steadily go down hill and become a person even I didn't know. I started going to a counselor in April of 2013. I needed some depression meds and some anger meds. I know I have Manic depression bi-polar 2 and anxiety issues. I was born this way there is not a thing I can do to change it. I have to embrace it and do what the dr.s say. I have been working closely with a few drs to get my medication correct. All along my chronic back pain was getting worse not helping anything. In October of 2014 I lost it. I had a seizure and could not be awoken. thankfully we are living with my parents and Nic got my mom. At six one morning I was ambulanced to the hospital. I have no memory of the next 3 weeks. I have been battling this pain now for that long. I am no longer safe to drive. I can not walk with out the aid of a walker. I am loving on pain pills so much so that my husband leaves me my morning pill. To get my after noon pill I have to call him so he can tell me where he hid it. I will admit it had gotten bad but despite what others say I am NOT a pill popping junky I just hurt. That I guess bring us to today were I am on 4 crazy medicines as my dad calls them 2 different pain pills and a heavy duty muscle relaxer. This week we find out when I can get this amazing thing called a Spinal cord stimulator. Basically its a implanted tens unit that has electrodes placed on my spinal cord to help discize the pain so to speak. I can finally see the light at the end of my tunnel. I see hope! I am doing everything in my power to make sure my end is buttoned up tight and the drs end can do there job. I can honestly say this is the first time I have been able to picture realif sense my accident on July 23 2009. I am going to try to keep going on this a good friend promised she would be my biggest fan. I am great full for friends like her who help me be a better person.

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