Sunday, January 18, 2015
Whats best dosent mean it wont hurt
On February 4th I am getting my tubes tied. This decision has been one of the hardest dessions of my life. I know in my head and my heart that having another baby just is not want God has planned for me. I have a huge love of babies and children. I being a only child myself have always said that I will not have only one child. I know the pain of being alone all the time with no one to play with. And all the other painful things that come along with being a only child. When I got pregnant with Shelby there was no trying involved she just happened. When she was a year old her dad and I decided to try for another baby on purpose this time. I got pregnant quickly was doing wonderfully enjoying the first part of pregnancy that I missed with Shelby. I was 23 weeks when something happened I still haven't figured out what. I began to cramp and bleed. The dr rushed me to labor and delivery. After 6 hours of pain and not knowing My son Landon was born. He lived 8 minutes. Because of things at the time I was not aloud to see him hold him he was placed in a box at the nurses station. I was not aloud to greve his loss no services were held nothing they threw my son away. After Landon Shelbys father and I just didn't work out. Jon and I got to gether and decided to say whatever happened happened. 4 years and 5 Miscarriges with no explaintion as to why because of other reasons Jon and I parted ways. While Jon and I were together I fell at work and broke my back. two major back surgerys and tons of x rays later. One dr would say you should be fine to have kids the x rays should not have affected that at all. another would say the x rays have damaged your reprudcitve tract. When Nic came along he knew of my past pregnancy history and said what ever happens happens. Nic and I have had 3 miscarriges. This past year my back has taken a drymatic turn for the worse wich has caused my mental illnesses to rear there very ugly head. I am in therapy and am heavily medicated to try to keep me able to live in sicioty. I am also seeing a pain dr about my back. With all that going on Nic and I had to sit down and really have a talk. well I have to sit down and have a talk with my self. I know that being on the phyc meds I am on are for my own good as well as my familys. With that the meds are very dangores to a fedas so taking the meds and being pregnant would be unfair to that child. It would also be unfair to the rest of the world for me to get off my meds and be a danger to my self or outher just to be selfish in hopes that I could get pregnant and stay pregnant just for another baby. I have screwed Shelby up enough as it is bringing another life in this mess would be bad. My back could not handle carring a child most days it cant handle carrying me. I can no long handle the loss each and every time. So would say why dosent nic get cut its easier. well yea it is easier but There is no garentee that Nic will stay with my crazy ass for any more amount of time. So if he should get smart and leave why should he not have the chance to find some one and have a family with them. Now in saying all this it makes sense and is the right thing to do but I cant help but still fell a sense of loss or something for giving up. Every night for about a month now I cry and question if this is the right choice know full well it is. I know I am the only one that reads this but I am giving a shot at typing things out to see if that helps my depression or not. Maybe I can look back when I get it all together again if that ever happens and be like look how far you have come.