Friday, February 6, 2015


I guess I should start with a little back story. When Nic and I met he was raising some Club Lambs for his niece and another boy. I noticed from the start his deep love of animals. I to share that deep love. Growing up we had beef cows. I loved helping feed the cows. When dad would buy bred cows most of the time they were wild wanted nothing to do with people. I would make it my goal to tame down those animals and help them realize were went bad. Sense the time that we have been together Nic and I have had a few different kinds of animals. We started with the 4-H lambs. From there we went to chickens. I started us both back in to the bottle calf business in August of 2012 and kept going to the auctions every week coming home with a few every Wednesday. On October 27th 2012 Nic and I were married. For a wedding present someone bought us 2 65lb feeder pigs. Not long after we raised those pigs up and butchered them Nic got at job for at one of the largest hog farms in the United States. From day one he was in love. His job was to tend to the pigs all 65,000 of them. He took so much pride in that job. A new job with better pay and benefits came along and Nic did what was best for his family. For 4 months Nic and I didn't have any animals except our dogs Bear and Gabby. I started going down hill depression wise in a bad fast way. We moved in with my parents in August of 2014. Not even a week had passed when by chance we ran into the guy who gave us those first 2 hogs. I took it as a sign. After talking with the man a few days later we were set to pick up three 45lb feeder pigs in four days. Well in those four short days I had to convince first dad that the pigs are a good idea and will help me with my depression. Then I had to convince Nic who missed his hogs more than anything that this was a good idea and we could make it work. My next problem was where were these animals going to go they needed a home. A home those three pigs got. I turned the holding pin for the milking parlor into a hog pin. first cleaning it out. That was a task it was filled with things form the previous owner of the property and some of dads junk. After I got it all cleaned out I took hog panels are went around the entire pen. I had some great help my cousin Matt came and helped and brought his step son Brian. Now at ten that kid was a worker.
The three Piggies had lots of room. I had no idea in 6 short months we would go from 3 hogs to 80. I knew when I built the pin that it was capable of houseing alot of pigs. After the group of three piggies we found six more groups with at least nine pigs a piece in them. The second group of hogs were Spot hogs.
We picked these pigs straight off there mama. They only weighed about 12lbs each. These were some fancy hogs. Group 3 were just some run of the mill white hogs (I call them pink becasue thats what color they really are but to be proper there concidered white hogs.) In this group came Wilma she loves having her snout scratched. This group is also Gracies brothers and sisters. Gracie weighed maybe 5lbs when she came here. Her siblings weighed 12lbs we also got them straight off there mama.
Our third group is a hog I have never really seen before. They are Black Hogs crossed with a hereford. The hereford hogs are just like the herford cows red and white. I am guessing the blacks have stronger traights. There is no red on these hogs what so ever. Really theres not even any white on them as well.
Group 4 are Hampshires there is one piggie in this group that I love. She is so ugly shes cute. Her snout is black and her tail is black the rest of her is all white. Her siblings are a good mix of black and white.
Group 5 and group 6 came from a family up north. Sense we purchesed these pigs the son and dad have came down and baught a few gilts from us. Gilts are female pigs that have never had a litter. Boars are non castrated males. Barrows are casterated males and Sows are females pigs that have had babies. They are going to use the gilts to breed to there boar. The gestation on pigs is 3 months 3 weeks and 3 days.
It still amazes me that we have came this far. I have no regrates of building and starting this pig operation. Seening Nic so happy has been amazing.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Whats best dosent mean it wont hurt

On February 4th I am getting my tubes tied. This decision has been one of the hardest dessions of my life. I know in my head and my heart that having another baby just is not want God has planned for me. I have a huge love of babies and children. I being a only child myself have always said that I will not have only one child. I know the pain of being alone all the time with no one to play with. And all the other painful things that come along with being a only child. When I got pregnant with Shelby there was no trying involved she just happened. When she was a year old her dad and I decided to try for another baby on purpose this time. I got pregnant quickly was doing wonderfully enjoying the first part of pregnancy that I missed with Shelby. I was 23 weeks when something happened I still haven't figured out what. I began to cramp and bleed. The dr rushed me to labor and delivery. After 6 hours of pain and not knowing My son Landon was born. He lived 8 minutes. Because of things at the time I was not aloud to see him hold him he was placed in a box at the nurses station. I was not aloud to greve his loss no services were held nothing they threw my son away. After Landon Shelbys father and I just didn't work out. Jon and I got to gether and decided to say whatever happened happened. 4 years and 5 Miscarriges with no explaintion as to why because of other reasons Jon and I parted ways. While Jon and I were together I fell at work and broke my back. two major back surgerys and tons of x rays later. One dr would say you should be fine to have kids the x rays should not have affected that at all. another would say the x rays have damaged your reprudcitve tract. When Nic came along he knew of my past pregnancy history and said what ever happens happens. Nic and I have had 3 miscarriges. This past year my back has taken a drymatic turn for the worse wich has caused my mental illnesses to rear there very ugly head. I am in therapy and am heavily medicated to try to keep me able to live in sicioty. I am also seeing a pain dr about my back. With all that going on Nic and I had to sit down and really have a talk. well I have to sit down and have a talk with my self. I know that being on the phyc meds I am on are for my own good as well as my familys. With that the meds are very dangores to a fedas so taking the meds and being pregnant would be unfair to that child. It would also be unfair to the rest of the world for me to get off my meds and be a danger to my self or outher just to be selfish in hopes that I could get pregnant and stay pregnant just for another baby. I have screwed Shelby up enough as it is bringing another life in this mess would be bad. My back could not handle carring a child most days it cant handle carrying me. I can no long handle the loss each and every time. So would say why dosent nic get cut its easier. well yea it is easier but There is no garentee that Nic will stay with my crazy ass for any more amount of time. So if he should get smart and leave why should he not have the chance to find some one and have a family with them. Now in saying all this it makes sense and is the right thing to do but I cant help but still fell a sense of loss or something for giving up. Every night for about a month now I cry and question if this is the right choice know full well it is. I know I am the only one that reads this but I am giving a shot at typing things out to see if that helps my depression or not. Maybe I can look back when I get it all together again if that ever happens and be like look how far you have come.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

To much to fast

For the past couple of weeks my pain has been stedily increasing. In that time I have had to start using a walker. I am using the walker for extra support. I have been having horrible back spasums, when a spasum hits it is out of the blue and I fall to the floor. My right side has been my problem side sense my accident. Espically after that lady pulled out in front of me and I broke my leg standing on the breaks. Because of that and my back pain when a spasum hits my right leg goes limp and I fall. I now have a lovely scar at the corner of my left eye. I was walking into the potty a horrible back spasm hit and to the floor I went breaking the door frame and messing my face up in the process. I have lots of bumps burses and scrapes sense before the walker. I started this post yesterday, I was in a bad way yesterday. I honestly could not stay awake and the only place I could get comfortable was in the recliner. Last night was another very bad night. I am on new depression meds and it is really messing me up. Yesterday I felt like I had over dosed on some thing. It was the same last night except I was seeing thing that weren't there. Nic would wake up and I would be shaking again. I am hoping today is better. Shelby is sick. I cant remember the last time she has been this bad. Today if I can find a driver I am taking her to the doctor. This no driving thing isn't so bad. This is the only snag we have found is when something like this come up out of the blue. Sorry I am kind of all over the place with this post. I can feel my meds kicking in and I am getting sleepy again and starting to feel like crap. If I can I will try to do another blog today about my procedure. Have s good day everyone.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

So it's been a little bit.

I haven't been on here in almost 3 years. Well a lot have changed. First Jon and I are no longer together. We remain friends but decided that we both wanted different paths in life. I met my husband Nic in March of 2012. It was love at first break down. We met at the ag company we were both working at. Mothers day 2012 Nic had Shelbys help and asked me to marry him. I said yes and a wedding planning did we start. Things were going great I had the most amazing kid. The farmer of my dreams. It was time for the other shoe to drop. Drop it did. August I got sick. What we thought was just a stomach bug turned into a six month twice a week hospital trip for fluids hell! The day Nic and I became husband and wife I dint remember. The reception if I didn't have the pictures of the people that were there I would have no clue about it at all. I was that sick and hide it from everyone. Nic and I left the day after out October 27th 2012 wedding for our honeymoon. It was the perfect trip for us. Arthur Illinois Amish land. We stayed at this beautiful bed and breakfast. Once again I was sick and Nic had no clue. After 2 days on our honeymoon Nic finally learned the real deal. We decided it was time to cut the trip short and get home. We made it home around five. By ten that night I was being transferred to St. Louis University Hospital. I had a mass in my brain. I started having seizures. I was blind in my right eye. I had let this go far to long but I was so afraid I would let someone down. After all the scans testing and prodding the Dr.s still had no clue what exactly was the problem. They sent me home. Everything was going half way smoothly up until March of 2013. We were all a go to buy Nic's grandparents farm. That was until his grandmother decided she didn't like that idea anymore and started bullying Nic. Now if you know me at all you know I do not put up with such things. Nic had been bullied his entire life just as I had. The only difference was I fought back he couldn't. So I got a little mad at how hurt they were making my husband and I went and had a few words with his grandma. Looking back now I should have used a different approach but I would still defend him again for the same reason with the same consequences. I was served a order of protection and we had this big court thing. It is all in the past but I haven't been the same sense. I continued to steadily go down hill and become a person even I didn't know. I started going to a counselor in April of 2013. I needed some depression meds and some anger meds. I know I have Manic depression bi-polar 2 and anxiety issues. I was born this way there is not a thing I can do to change it. I have to embrace it and do what the dr.s say. I have been working closely with a few drs to get my medication correct. All along my chronic back pain was getting worse not helping anything. In October of 2014 I lost it. I had a seizure and could not be awoken. thankfully we are living with my parents and Nic got my mom. At six one morning I was ambulanced to the hospital. I have no memory of the next 3 weeks. I have been battling this pain now for that long. I am no longer safe to drive. I can not walk with out the aid of a walker. I am loving on pain pills so much so that my husband leaves me my morning pill. To get my after noon pill I have to call him so he can tell me where he hid it. I will admit it had gotten bad but despite what others say I am NOT a pill popping junky I just hurt. That I guess bring us to today were I am on 4 crazy medicines as my dad calls them 2 different pain pills and a heavy duty muscle relaxer. This week we find out when I can get this amazing thing called a Spinal cord stimulator. Basically its a implanted tens unit that has electrodes placed on my spinal cord to help discize the pain so to speak. I can finally see the light at the end of my tunnel. I see hope! I am doing everything in my power to make sure my end is buttoned up tight and the drs end can do there job. I can honestly say this is the first time I have been able to picture realif sense my accident on July 23 2009. I am going to try to keep going on this a good friend promised she would be my biggest fan. I am great full for friends like her who help me be a better person.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Today is one of my favorite days

Every year about this time we butcher hogs. I have to say that even though it is hard work all weekend its one of the funnest weekends of the year. We get to see friends and family we dont see all year and we get a freezer full of pork. Jons grandfather started butchering a long long time ago. When he passed away in 1980 Jons dad kept it going. For the most part the same people that helped back 32 years ago still take part today. Now we have three generations helping. Jons nephew who is 7 started last year helping a little more by working the hand stuffer. We start on Friday after noon and dont stop till Sunday evening. I will have to post a little more on the process but I am in a rush to get Shelby to her Grandmas so she can go to a birthday party. I hope you all have a great weekend!

Friday, January 20, 2012

Paula Deen

I am going to start by saying that I don't normally get involved in these types of things but this is something that is really bothering me.

Paula Deen has been on the news a lot lately for coming out and saying she has been a diabetic for 3 years. I have been listening to both sides one being that its her fault and she needs to stop trying to kill America with her cooking. The other being good for her more cleberitys need to come out and say Hey I have health issues just like the rest of you. My thoughts on this is you know what yes she uses butter and lard and sugar. But who cares what she makes how she makes it let alone how she eats it. I am all for making things she cooks just the way she cooks them but there's a difference we WORK it off. Being on a farm we move a lot there is not a who lot of sitting going on unless its in a tractor. Now don't get me wrong I could stand to lose a few pounds but I am in now way overweight. I will keep cooking Paula Deen style because its the kind of food that sticks with you all day when you might not know when your going to be able to stop and eat again or say you eat dinner (lunch) on a really busy day you might not get supper. You might be so dang tired that you come in and pass out in the chair. When I make lunch for My farmer and I homemade fried chicken fried in lard with mashed potatoes homemade gravy corn and biscuits or something along those lines is what I make. Because it sticks with you your not starving after a hour. So if you do come home and pass out in the chair your less likely to wake up starving. Then the days that you do get to come in for supper you still don't eat as much as you would if you would have had a lighter dinner. In all I guess my theory is it's not what you make or how you make it that is making everyone fat and unhealthy its getting off you ass and moving to make it worth eating that. I guess another reason why I cook the way Paula does is because "health food" is freaking expensive we raise our own cows pigs and chickens we also have a big garden in the spring and I can. I can make butter I have chickens that lay eggs I don't spend a whole lot of money at the grocery store. So if I were to decide that I wanted something healthy I would first have to drive the 20 min to the store spend about $100 for one meal drive the 20 min back home to make it and get asked "what the hell is this wheres the food" I cant see the logic behind that. Sorry I am going in a million different directions here but this has me pissed. Leave the lady alone for all we know it might not have been her cooking that led her to get diabetes she could have very well gotten a cold that settled in her pancerase and killed it. Leading her to need insulin. My ex husband had that happen to him at the age of 20. My uncle died of this desise I know all to much about it so I guess that's what gets me fired up. I guess that is all if you took the time to read my scattered thoughts and bad grammar thank you! I am trying to get better with spelling and grammar.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Wow what a week in weather

On Monday and Tuesday Jon and Shelby worked ground, it was close to 70 outside with bright sunshine. Today well we have about three inches of snow strong blowing wind and it is now 3. We have been in white out conditions all day. I think mother nature is screwing with us big time.

Shelby has been in and out of the hospital a lot this winter, she has asthma very bad and ended up with croup and pneumonia a few days before Christmas. She was getting better for a while and WAM! got hit again with double pneumonia last Friday. Then today we went to the Dr. for them to tell us she has strep throat while on a heavy antibiotic. So she is now on super duty antibiotics that make her sick. This is not the way I wanted her to start out her year.

(note to self great job remembering to spell check before posting)